Being lonely alone.

From google,

lone·ly/ˈlōnlē/

Adjective:

Sad because one has no friends or company. Without companions; solitary: "passing long lonely hours looking onto the street".

I have not been blogging or crafting much. Life have been very hectic lately with me attempting to find my way around school, trying to make new friends and coping with printing so many readings and notes and struggling to read and understand them before the tutorials. 

I enjoyed my lessons, but I also realised that I am really spending a lot of time travelling to and back from school. My days becomes significantly shorter. I have so little time for myself. My attempts at reading on my way to school had been very unsuccessful so far. The train is so noisy and I get distracted so easily that I cannot even think while reading. Reading an intellectual piece on the train is very different from reading a novel. Novels are usually written in simple English and it does not require much thinking to understand what the authors are trying to get to in the book. The fact that it is highly entertaining helps too. Reading a reading for school is actually very painful for me even though I am really interested in whatever the author is saying. I have to be next to the computer to be able to Google whatever words I do not comprehend. There were so many words I did not know! I feel so stupid. I do read non-fiction from time to time. But this, it really takes some getting used to. I am really desperate to do well this time, so I believe I can actually pull through this. I have to. 

The real problem I have now is a problem that I have never encountered in my school life. Maybe I am lucky that way. I have been so sheltered in my little bubble that I just do not know how to cope with reality. I had a best friend in primary school. We went everywhere and did everything together till we finally separated into different classes in the last year. Being immature kids we were, our friendship slowly dissolved into nothingness. It was all right, because I met one of the people I cherish till today. Transition from primary school to secondary school was pretty easy because my school was affiliated and almost everyone went to the same school. Same old faces, some new faces, really easy to adapt to. It was also one of the happiest times in my 20 years of existence in the world. I was literally saying "HI" to everyone in my cohort, it is almost funny now that I think of it. Maybe secondary school was not as happy as I thought it was. I was a naive and immature person. I probably thought everyone was a nice person. But their reactions when we meet again in university tells me otherwise. Some pretended not to see me, some said hi and we caught up, promising to see each other for lunch and more catching up. I am not going to think too much into it because I really want my secondary school life to be "the happy time of my life". Junior college was okay, I guess. As I said, it is a painful reminder of my failure at the same time it give me a lot of opportunities to learn things outside the restrictive education system we have here. Friendship was quite easily made because of the small class size and timetable. Whether the friendship is real, only time will tell. I mean, I can miss my classmates all I want, but do they reciprocate the feelings I feel? No one truly know except themselves. Effort has to be made to keep the friendship going. Time taken out to meet your friends, the things you say when you meet, do you really say what you mean? Or do you just talk about superficial stuff? I find myself guilty of doing a lot of the latter. "How are you?", "I am doing fine. You?", "How's school?" It become difficult to talk about your problems because you know they have their own, or they may not be interested, or they would not understand, or some other excuses we give ourselves. 

My opinion? I think most people do not really share their problems because it is a sign of weakness. That we are not what we may portray ourselves to be.Everyone knows that everyone has problems. But it is a different matter altogether if we are to show our weaknesses. We only show it to the closest of friends, a confidante or your girl/boyfriend. I regret to say that I do not really have anyone. Not that I never tried, it is just that they would tell me not to worry, I am a nice person, not one will leave me behind yada yada. How I wish it was so. No one really listens. I really really envy those people who have a best friend at this point of time. I wish there was someone, just someone. 

I feel like I am trapped in this void of loneliness. When I feel lonely, I will tend to withdraw from people. Everyone else seem to be having a good time. I would really hate to dampen their moods with my problems. Even as I withdraw, their lives do continue and it may cause us to drift apart and that would mean that I am even lonelier. It is really a vicious cycle. It is really okay when I was working. I had my handicrafts to accompany me and I was not really up and about so I was oblivious to the people around me. The painful truth was really obvious in school now when I see people in group and I walk alone. Even when I had friends, I feel like I am clinging on to them too much or that they are just people I walk with because. Not really friends, not people I can connect with. School becomes quite painful to be in. Being afraid to walk into a lecture theatre late because I am afraid that I would sit alone because there is no one to save a seat for me, always wondering if there are people to eat lunch with because everyone seems to have their own friends to eat with and taking a 1.5 hour trip back home to eat lunch when I have a straight lesson from 1130 to 1430 and when I go home it is already 1615 and I eat lunch on front of my laptop. My self esteem and confidence is really really at an all-time low. It is so scary. I am so terrified of what my life in school will be like. 

I think I am already putting in a lot of effort. I never knew retaining in school would have this leftover effect of not knowing anyone at all because they are not from your batch. I know this is supposed to come naturally to me because I am supposed to be an extrovert, but it is just not happening! Is it me? Am I that unlike-able? I really hope not. I always wonder what do people think of me. Maybe it just takes time. 

I just hope that I find my kindred spirits soon. 

This is just a little something I doodled. The head seems to be a little small though. I made a reference actually. But I lost the page:/ Background from here.

I hope that my next post will be a happier one.

Rebecca :/