Being lonely alone.

From google,

lone·ly/ˈlōnlē/

Adjective:

Sad because one has no friends or company. Without companions; solitary: "passing long lonely hours looking onto the street".

I have not been blogging or crafting much. Life have been very hectic lately with me attempting to find my way around school, trying to make new friends and coping with printing so many readings and notes and struggling to read and understand them before the tutorials. 

I enjoyed my lessons, but I also realised that I am really spending a lot of time travelling to and back from school. My days becomes significantly shorter. I have so little time for myself. My attempts at reading on my way to school had been very unsuccessful so far. The train is so noisy and I get distracted so easily that I cannot even think while reading. Reading an intellectual piece on the train is very different from reading a novel. Novels are usually written in simple English and it does not require much thinking to understand what the authors are trying to get to in the book. The fact that it is highly entertaining helps too. Reading a reading for school is actually very painful for me even though I am really interested in whatever the author is saying. I have to be next to the computer to be able to Google whatever words I do not comprehend. There were so many words I did not know! I feel so stupid. I do read non-fiction from time to time. But this, it really takes some getting used to. I am really desperate to do well this time, so I believe I can actually pull through this. I have to. 

The real problem I have now is a problem that I have never encountered in my school life. Maybe I am lucky that way. I have been so sheltered in my little bubble that I just do not know how to cope with reality. I had a best friend in primary school. We went everywhere and did everything together till we finally separated into different classes in the last year. Being immature kids we were, our friendship slowly dissolved into nothingness. It was all right, because I met one of the people I cherish till today. Transition from primary school to secondary school was pretty easy because my school was affiliated and almost everyone went to the same school. Same old faces, some new faces, really easy to adapt to. It was also one of the happiest times in my 20 years of existence in the world. I was literally saying "HI" to everyone in my cohort, it is almost funny now that I think of it. Maybe secondary school was not as happy as I thought it was. I was a naive and immature person. I probably thought everyone was a nice person. But their reactions when we meet again in university tells me otherwise. Some pretended not to see me, some said hi and we caught up, promising to see each other for lunch and more catching up. I am not going to think too much into it because I really want my secondary school life to be "the happy time of my life". Junior college was okay, I guess. As I said, it is a painful reminder of my failure at the same time it give me a lot of opportunities to learn things outside the restrictive education system we have here. Friendship was quite easily made because of the small class size and timetable. Whether the friendship is real, only time will tell. I mean, I can miss my classmates all I want, but do they reciprocate the feelings I feel? No one truly know except themselves. Effort has to be made to keep the friendship going. Time taken out to meet your friends, the things you say when you meet, do you really say what you mean? Or do you just talk about superficial stuff? I find myself guilty of doing a lot of the latter. "How are you?", "I am doing fine. You?", "How's school?" It become difficult to talk about your problems because you know they have their own, or they may not be interested, or they would not understand, or some other excuses we give ourselves. 

My opinion? I think most people do not really share their problems because it is a sign of weakness. That we are not what we may portray ourselves to be.Everyone knows that everyone has problems. But it is a different matter altogether if we are to show our weaknesses. We only show it to the closest of friends, a confidante or your girl/boyfriend. I regret to say that I do not really have anyone. Not that I never tried, it is just that they would tell me not to worry, I am a nice person, not one will leave me behind yada yada. How I wish it was so. No one really listens. I really really envy those people who have a best friend at this point of time. I wish there was someone, just someone. 

I feel like I am trapped in this void of loneliness. When I feel lonely, I will tend to withdraw from people. Everyone else seem to be having a good time. I would really hate to dampen their moods with my problems. Even as I withdraw, their lives do continue and it may cause us to drift apart and that would mean that I am even lonelier. It is really a vicious cycle. It is really okay when I was working. I had my handicrafts to accompany me and I was not really up and about so I was oblivious to the people around me. The painful truth was really obvious in school now when I see people in group and I walk alone. Even when I had friends, I feel like I am clinging on to them too much or that they are just people I walk with because. Not really friends, not people I can connect with. School becomes quite painful to be in. Being afraid to walk into a lecture theatre late because I am afraid that I would sit alone because there is no one to save a seat for me, always wondering if there are people to eat lunch with because everyone seems to have their own friends to eat with and taking a 1.5 hour trip back home to eat lunch when I have a straight lesson from 1130 to 1430 and when I go home it is already 1615 and I eat lunch on front of my laptop. My self esteem and confidence is really really at an all-time low. It is so scary. I am so terrified of what my life in school will be like. 

I think I am already putting in a lot of effort. I never knew retaining in school would have this leftover effect of not knowing anyone at all because they are not from your batch. I know this is supposed to come naturally to me because I am supposed to be an extrovert, but it is just not happening! Is it me? Am I that unlike-able? I really hope not. I always wonder what do people think of me. Maybe it just takes time. 

I just hope that I find my kindred spirits soon. 

This is just a little something I doodled. The head seems to be a little small though. I made a reference actually. But I lost the page:/ Background from here.

I hope that my next post will be a happier one.

Rebecca :/

First day of school, a new start.

Well, I had my first day of school today. Granted, all I did was to have a two hour lecture but I think I get the idea of how school is going to be like.

I will not be as easy as I thought it would be and it might even be very tough. But I want to have the strength to excel as I have never done before(obviously I have never been a very bright student). I want to have the motivation to keep going. I have no excuses any more. This is it. The course that I wanted to go. I am here. The future really depends on me. I really really do not want to screw this up. I am going to write this post here to remind myself of the goal I want to achieve. This is really it. My last chance at excelling in education. I am not some smartass genius who absorbs like a sponge. I have to put in a lot of effort. I am not a bean sprout which will germinate easily. I am most probably a durian seed. I take a lot of time and effort before I bear fruit. It sounds quite sad. But I am sure the end will be worth the effort!

I actually have a lot of fears with regards to going to school. Finding new friends is on the top of the list. Most know I have this stupid lonophobia thingie. I have a phobia of eating alone, being alone in a crowd. It scares me to no end. As I organize my timetable, I wonder who will I have my lunch with. I was really lucky to have such amazing friends in SAJC. Especially when I retained, I was left behind when my entire cohort moved on. People I know and felt comfortable with carried on with life as I struggled. Luckily I found such good classmates that held me together at that point of time. It must have been karma. Because of that, I always make a point to approach loner people and make the first move to say hi so they would not be so lonely. Been there, done that, hate the feeling. I really hope to find a group of friends who will accept me for my weird ways and we can have lunches together^^

I was so overwhelmed by the vast amount of people in school. Being in school feels like I am in a marketplace where the whole of Singapore is there. NTU is so big. I was unprepared for the 33,500 people in there. Okay. 33,499 because I am one. Haha. Just kidding. These numbers are probably estimates. It is just the first week of school. I wonder how is it going to continue.

I really want to enjoy school life. Jc was not a really happy place for me because it is such a stark reminder of how I failed. I hope very much to enjoy myself in my last leap of my education. Please.

That's all the rambling I have today. I hope that I will read this one year later and smile because I am doing well and found kindred spirits. ^^

Wish me all the best and cross fingers for me. Ciao!

Rebecca:)

Tutorial: Stacky bracelets

Well, as I promised, a tutorial for the bracelets that I made. This bracelet is quite versatile. I think it looks nice my itself or with charms with beads, rhinestones etc etc.

Firstly, you will need these materials:

~ Strands of faux leather/suede strips
~ 1 strand of ball chain/threaded strand of beads
~ 1 lobster clasp or button
~ Embroidery thread
~ Craft Glue
~ Needle

For this tutorial, I will be making a bracelet with seed beads with a clasp^^

My work table

 Firstly, cut the faux leather strand into a shorter strand. I measure my wrists and give it some allowance. I believe it is better to make it a little longer and trim it if need as compared to having it too short to fit your wrist at all.

1st step

 Dab the end of the strand in the craft glue. I find it easier to do it this way instead of pouring glue onto the strand itself to prevent over-pouring. Surprisingly, the glue holds the faux leather very well and you can peel it off with a tug if you made a mistake. I tried using a needle to sew it, but I found that using glue holds it better. Surprise surprise.

Clasp. Pretty right!

Slip the clasp from the non-glued end or before you put on the glue. And glue it like so. I took a picture before the glue dried because it dries clear. Anyway, it will be covered with yarn. Put this aside to let it dry. 

Pretty!

 Thread the beads onto a string. In this case, I used a crochet thread because it is stronger than a normal thread and it does not fray so easily as compared to an embroidery thread. I suggest giving it some allowance before you tie the knot at the end. It makes things easier.

Winding winding. 

Dab the end of the embroidery thread into the glue and stick it onto the joined part. I like winding it for about 0.8cm because it makes things more secure. Remember to attach the thread with the beads at this point. If you are using a ball chain, do not attach it just yet. 

*ignores messy table*

 I use a hair clip to attach it to something for easy winding. I wind the embroidery thread over each seed bead, pushing the bead up with every row. I like to check the back of the bracelet with every few rounds to ensure that the space is even because I am a silly perfectionist. Hehe.

Lalalu

 I enjoy listening to music while crafting and I do sing along sometimes. I think it gives the bracelet a happy one when I feel happy making it and I hope that the person who has the bracelet will be happy when they look at it because I put in effort to make every single one of them. :) Every bracelets has happy vibes. Hahaha.

*shaky picccctureeee*

Sorry for the shaky picture, did not realise it till I edited the picture D: But you know, just dab the other end into the glue and do the same as what you do in the beginning. make a loop and wind the embroidery thread round and round the strand. Hehe. Thread the embroidery thread onto the needle, make a knot underneath and cut off the extra thread. Then use glue to conceal the ends. Yup yup. That's it.

Here's the picture of the finished product and the other variations you can make! :)

with seed beads

with pearls and a button closure

with ball chains

You can add charms. 

Very stackable

Some tips and tricks:
~ Notice that I do not use jump rings for this project? I feel that jump rings are not really needed so I do not use it because using it means that there is a possibility that the charms or clasp might drop off because I have a bracelet that did that -___- Probably under my tough handling. Haha

~ You can put in charms like I did. I love the way it makes the bracelet look prettier instantly. Just slide the charms in (the right way please) and ta-ta. No jump rings needed.

~ You can make this like a clique bracelet which I am currently doing. Hehe. It would be beyond cool.

Okay. That's all for today. Ciao!

Rebecca:)

Crafty day galore ^^

Well, I have been crafting so much lately with ideas popping into my head randomly. I am so very happy because the products came out prettier than I imagined and I am so excited to make more more more! Haha. The only thing is that I keep forgetting to get enough materials and I run out of them >.< I know you wanna see what I have made. Haha. So here goes:)

I made a pouch and a mini tote bag for my barbie doll. Hahaha. Okay, I was trying to be ambitious and wanted to create a top, but it did not turn out the way I wanted it to be so I ended up with scrap pieces of fabric so I decided to sew a pouch out of it. I still have many pieces of fabric left so I am looking for mini project to make with it. I suppose I would be making a pincushion soon. I need one because I am losing my needles everywhere. Haha. I also made a rabbit I plan to give Apphia for her birthday. Since I am perfectly sure that most of my friends do not read this blog, I am gonna post it here ^^

The rabbit is so cute right!

 I cannot believe that the rabbit was created from a piece of knitted square. The tutorial for this bunny is here. I edited it a bit by changing the stitch and adding a bell below. I love the sound of bells:)

I am a cute bunny!

side view

Tote bag! Haha. 

And then, I bought the cotton thread from Daiso right? So I had to make something with it.

I found two very cute crochet butterfly tutorials and made it. :) The one on the left was made with this and the one on the right was made with this.

And then I started making arm swags for the start of school. I have not stopped. I just wanted to share with you those that I have made for now. Hehehe. :)

Ain't this gorgeous? 

 Even I cannot believe that I made it. Whoo! Haha.
Okay. Out of these, I only made two for myself. I have been making our Jew club bracelets(clique bracelets) Haha, being my friends really has it benefits huh! I think I will make a tutorial on how to make these kind of bracelets soon. Maybe later after my third trip to Chinatown. HAHAHA. There are three kinds actually.

NICE RIGHT! 

Made with pearls

 This is a really pretty pearl and purple bracelet. I wanted to try out using a button instead of a clasp. I think it is pretty. 0.0 Notice that the bracelet twirls automatically? I like this effect.

Made with seed beads.

Notice this one does not curl? I wonder why....I will ponder upon it and give you a answer in my tutorial:)

Okay, that's really all for today. I shall come up with a tutorial soon ^^

Ciao!

Rebecca:)

Too much craft shopping. :p

Well, I have been going to Spotlight and Daiso and Chinatown too often lately. I think I made three trips already and still want to buy more! Of course. It goes without saying that I did do more crafty stuff after buying the materials! Haha. This makes me a very happy girl. On a sadder note, School is starting next Friday and then I might not have enough time to craft  many many any more D: Sad girl is me. But I think my brain have had enough of a break and is ready for some stretching. Like a rubberband. Haha.

So I will show my loots here and then blog about what I made(quite a lot) in the next post. Look forward to it! :D My first trip was with Freya and Rachel to Bras Brasah to Art Friend, where I bought Mod Podge and E6000 glue.

Loots from Art friend and 1st trip to Chinatown

 The Mod Podge has a glittery finish. I have no idea what do I want to do with it, I probably need to go back to a 2nd hand bookshop to get a 2nd hand comic book so I can use it, but ya. Most probably a DIY comic bangle.

The next day, Rachel and I went out again to get some materials for her scrapbook she was making for Freya. Trust me, she bought just as much as me. HAHAHA. I wanted to try out bracelet making so I bought more jewellery making stuff. I managed to find pilers and wire cutters in my dad's toolbox. Old, but still working. YAY!

Loots from Daiso and Spotlight

 I had some alone time in Dhoby Ghaut this week so I went to Daiso and get some craft materials for my current projects. Incidentically, Spotlight was having a sale so I hopped over to get $1 seed beads! I bought Lavender crochet thread, buttons, button maker, balls and beads. Tempted to get more sewing patterns, but I know they would probably become white elephants at home so I refrained myself! YAY me!

2nd trip to Chinatown

Just went to Chinatown again yesterday and got all these materials for making more arm swags. My friend went to Cotton on to get 3 for $10 bracelets. OMG. If only I could sell whatever I make for 3 for $10. Haha. I bought elastic for my crystal bracelet whose thread is dying. And more faux leather strands.

I am going to Chinatown and Spotlight with Rachel again this week, so I hope to get more stuff:) OMG. I spent too much on my crafts!

That is all for today. If you need more information about where I got what, do ask. Ciao!

Rebecca:)

I like to draw.

An update on the things I have been drawing! Oh well. I do not draw as often as I should because I need the practice but I have recently started to colour my pieces so I think they are somewhat prettier. Haha. I do not really dare to post them on the deviantart yet because they are not good enough. But I am working towards it! I think my drawing style have changed significantly. I try to make things more simple and less complicated so it does not have that many mistakes. You can see for yourself!

Sleeping ballerina on the train. 

I like this one. Banana punching bag. Haha.

Random random girl on the street. 

Shoddy work? I told myself not to spend so much time on each piece. I think they are okay! :p When I actually spent a lot of time editing it, I have to stop halfway and end up not continuing the piece. For example,

I got stuck:(

 This was a sad piece because I think I spent 3-4 hours on it before realising I cannot carry on. the bag is ugly anyway! :(

This had potential.

 I really liked this piece because it was my somewhat first successful male piece but I just ran out of gas to finish it in fear of ruining it. Sad right!

Fail la. 

I admit. This one was a failure. I redraw the yes so many times, if this was on paper, the paper would have died. Haha.

Okay. So that's it for my art post today! I will strive to draw more and be better! XD Ciao!

Rebecca:)