March 03, 2012

Que sera sera.

Well...oh my god, I am only starting to write this post and I am already tearing. I guess I am really not as brave as I thought I was.

I got back my results today.

I feel really detached from all these, as though I can just pretend it did not happen and everything is fine. But deep inside, I am really helpless. For the first time in my life, I am completely lost and there is really no one who can guide me anymore. There is no back up plan, nothing. 

In my phone, I have several text messages from friends asking me if I was okay, and I haven't replied them yet. Initially, it was because my phone did not have any battery left. But now I am at home and the phone is plugged in, I realized it was just an excuse. I do not want to reply them, because I do not know how. Am I okay? Well, I definitely did my best. But I cannot deny the fact that I expected more from myself. I wanted me to be better then others. I am competitive that way. I do not show it, but I am definitely thinking it. I am sincerely glad that the rest have done well. It was obvious that they put in a lot of effort. I guess my best was not their best. I did give up a lot of things during the period. I did work the hardest I ever had in my life, so I really have no regrets. What I do feel is sadness. Sadness that no matter what I did, I did not get the pleasant surprise that I wanted. 

My parents are really nice. They did not say or do anything mean. They knew I did my best. But I really wish I was better at all this studying. Thank god I quit my job. If I were to go to work tomorrow, no telling what I would do. Probably burst into tears if I stop doing anything. I am such a crybaby. I should just stop thinking. Life goes on.

I was just looking at the grade profiles of all the universities. I don't know if I can go anywhere? I am truly terrified. Having a horrible headache and peeling my yellow nail polish off my middle finger because it is really ugly.

I find myself wanting assurance that I did not do very badly at all, but I know I did. It was not good results. You know, a thought just came into my head. If you think I am just ranting and giving excuses for my results, you ought to stop reading. Because I need to get this all out. I really do not have a best friend that I can pour my sorrows out to so I am just writing it here so that I will not forget how I felt at this point of time in my life.

What I really want is to just do what enjoy, my passion. I just hope that wherever I get into, I like it and I do it well. 

All the best to me. If you read the entire thing, thank you. At least I know I have some listening eyes somewhere in the world:/

I really cannot bring myself to smile. I put spoons in the freezer just now. Going to test out the internet method of reducing swollen eyes. Haha. ( Is it just me? Or am I just as laughable even when I am sad? Maybe I should just be a stand up comedian. Boo.)



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