Been thinking too much, I hope.

Well, it is definitely going to be a long wordy post today. Today, I had a lot of time to think when I was out going to SMU to submit my application. I had a lot to think about actually. Not all because I met two of my ex-classmates but this was the main reason. Okay. I am going to remove to the blog on my twitter now. Just in case people see the blog and get offended. Actually, no. There is nothing to get offended about. Okay. Going to start now.....ahem.

I saw two of my classmates from secondary school today. Not going to put names here, because it would serve no purpose.

When I saw one of them on the train, I stared a little harder. My eyes seemed to have deteriorated lately so I squinted my eyes. Yup, quite positive it was my classmate. She stared at me, but did not smile. I was wondering...maybe she did not recognise me. Alright. Going up the escalator, I walked up to them.

"Hi! I haven't seen you in a longgg time."

Awkward silence.

Then, "Oh, I thought I saw you on the train, but I was not sure."

I was pretty sure she did recognise me. I do not change much.

"Oh...so where did you go after 'O's? You went to a JC right?" The other classmate said. The tone used was not very nice. I sort of got the "I am inferior" vibes although I did better than them. Okayyy.

So I said the truth," Hmmm. I went to SAJC. I repeated a year, so I am only applying for Uni now."

Silence.

Change of topic. She asked the other classmate about a movie. I felt as though they did not want me there. So weird.

The thing is, we were classmates and we got along well. Why did they treat me like a stranger? A smile would have been enough. Catching up was good. But this? Is this courtesy? It was not very nice of them.

I do not know. Does time make people so cold towards each other? You know, when I see my schoolmates or classmates, old or new, I would definitely be very happy to see them and give them a hug or something. Unless, I just happen to look very unglamorous. Then I would wish to dig myself a hole and hide. But that's beside the point. Why so unfriendly? I was just saying hi? I am pretty sure I never offended them.

Ah whatever. I should not let it affect me. Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. I am not Christian, But I do believe in this strongly. That's why I try not to be mean to others even if I do not really like them. If I do not like them, it is my business. But they do not deserve to be treated meanly. Oh well. I guess people are really different.

Another incident was a little closer to my heart.

It is regarding the German Exchange Programme. To be honest, I am very very thankful that Josephine invited me over to join them tomorrow. However, the thing is, I am often confused about my role in this event. Am I just someone to help out or one of the organisers? I highly think I am meant to be the former. Maybe it was just a courtesy? I don't know. But I did not know about anything about the tour:/ It is very difficult for me to help out. I sort of understand the feeling some people get when someone asks you for a favour and you want to do it all by yourself. I know, because I get the feeling too. But I was really willing to help. D: I am a little upset that I was not given any role but be a follower.

To be frank, I did not enjoy welcoming the Germans to Singapore at the airport. Firstly, I was not very close to Mrs D. Although I am really thankful to her for always inviting me to join them in whatever they had previously. I did not exchange emails with her regularly. I am not close to her. I did not have any idea what to do but to follow. I was lost. I do not like the feeling actually. But the worst feeling was when I saw the booklet without my name in it. I was very sad when I saw the draft on Facebook. You did not give me a chance to help. But allowed me to tag along. I don't know what to feel. Maybe I should have said I was busy.

I don't know if Josephine ever reads this blog but Josephine, if you do chance upon this post don't get offended okay! I still love you <3 but I cannot help what I feel. I am really thankful that you invited me along:) I hope that later will be a blast! Because I think this will definitely be my last time helping out.

No mood, no inspiration D:

Well, as you can tell from the title, I have been a very miserable person lately. I haven't had the mood to knit, crochet, sew or draw for quite some time. I don't know why. Furthermore, I have been eating more food that I do not usually eat like candy, meat, snacks and all the unhealthy stuff. I can even feel myself getting fatter. It is so disgusting. I even craved meat, chicken and rice! HOW WEIRD IS THAT? I realised that I was thinking if other food even when I am eating and I started eating more and more. Sucks!

I have to take action. I can going on a boot camp. Tomorrow evening, I shall go down to the park to jog by myself. No more staying home, doing nothing. It is affecting my mood and my creative juices. Which sucks real time. I am bored, I finished watching all the nice dramas and I am in a terrible state. Something needs to be done. No more candy, chocolates and bad carbohydrates for me. I am going on a healthy diet. Gonna eat udon and that's all for the day. Night is another matter. I need to get back to my normal self.

Is it because I am depressed? Or worried for university admission. Grrr. This better stop. My health is more important!

Rebecca D:

Moving on!

Well...I have decided not to dwell on my stupid results anymore! I am moving on! It was not easy but I had to do it. I have to move on. After consulting my tutor, she was very encouraging(Thanks Pey.) I finally know what I have to do. I have to look and think forward. The next step requires a lot of determination, skills and PUBLIC RELATIONS. Haha. Yes. PR. I must do this and do this well.

I have better things to think of. Like....I have opened my new blogshop Handmade L'Amour. Do visit:) I did a lot of things which I enjoy, such as making more earrings and bows and thought about it long and hard(like a lady boss)

Like a lady boss indeed.

I have decided. I will do my best for the next part of whatever I am gonna do. Pray very hard that it will be a success. If it is, I will tell you what it is. 

Some pictures I took of all the crafty things that has been going on in my life lately.

Earrings, I am proud of myself!

Love the drawers. Haha. 

I emptied out a space in my wardrobe for this. Nice right? The drawers I mean:) It contains all my barbie clothes!

Another kind of bow. I think this is not as pretty though:/

Stuff Shabira got for me from UK!!! LOVE. 

Guess what finally arrived?

The nail polishes arrived safe and sound. Safely wrapped in bubble wrap. Haha. Ugly wrapping though:p

Look! 23 bottles in all!

Everything arranged in order, whose is what yada yada:p

Josephine bought so many bottlessss. Haha. Some of them still owe me money!!! Need to collect soon. My bank has no money:(

That's all for today. I aim to do some sewing tomorrow. At the same time, draft my essay. GOGOGO Rebecca!!!:) Ciao everybody!

Rebecca:) Happier today. Que Sera Sera!

I need to get over it and move on.

God, help me. I need to stop tearing whenever anyone mentions my results. I need to be strong. I need to take whatever I have and move on. I know I may not be the most hardworking person in the world, may not be the cleverest, but I really want to do well for myself and make everyone proud of me.

Will you give me the strength and energy to move on? Please?

Rebecca

Que sera sera.

Well...oh my god, I am only starting to write this post and I am already tearing. I guess I am really not as brave as I thought I was.

I got back my results today.

I feel really detached from all these, as though I can just pretend it did not happen and everything is fine. But deep inside, I am really helpless. For the first time in my life, I am completely lost and there is really no one who can guide me anymore. There is no back up plan, nothing. 

In my phone, I have several text messages from friends asking me if I was okay, and I haven't replied them yet. Initially, it was because my phone did not have any battery left. But now I am at home and the phone is plugged in, I realized it was just an excuse. I do not want to reply them, because I do not know how. Am I okay? Well, I definitely did my best. But I cannot deny the fact that I expected more from myself. I wanted me to be better then others. I am competitive that way. I do not show it, but I am definitely thinking it. I am sincerely glad that the rest have done well. It was obvious that they put in a lot of effort. I guess my best was not their best. I did give up a lot of things during the period. I did work the hardest I ever had in my life, so I really have no regrets. What I do feel is sadness. Sadness that no matter what I did, I did not get the pleasant surprise that I wanted. 

My parents are really nice. They did not say or do anything mean. They knew I did my best. But I really wish I was better at all this studying. Thank god I quit my job. If I were to go to work tomorrow, no telling what I would do. Probably burst into tears if I stop doing anything. I am such a crybaby. I should just stop thinking. Life goes on.

I was just looking at the grade profiles of all the universities. I don't know if I can go anywhere? I am truly terrified. Having a horrible headache and peeling my yellow nail polish off my middle finger because it is really ugly.

I find myself wanting assurance that I did not do very badly at all, but I know I did. It was not good results. You know, a thought just came into my head. If you think I am just ranting and giving excuses for my results, you ought to stop reading. Because I need to get this all out. I really do not have a best friend that I can pour my sorrows out to so I am just writing it here so that I will not forget how I felt at this point of time in my life.

What I really want is to just do what enjoy, my passion. I just hope that wherever I get into, I like it and I do it well. 

All the best to me. If you read the entire thing, thank you. At least I know I have some listening eyes somewhere in the world:/

I really cannot bring myself to smile. I put spoons in the freezer just now. Going to test out the internet method of reducing swollen eyes. Haha. ( Is it just me? Or am I just as laughable even when I am sad? Maybe I should just be a stand up comedian. Boo.)

Ciao. 

Rebecca:/

New chapter of my working life.

Well..I haven't been updating this poor blog lately. I have been so busy with work, I wonder where did all my time go! Of course I accomplished many things and I am gonna tell them to you one by one! Haha. Hope you do not get bored

I tendered my resignation for the job I was at. After complaining about the job, at the same time enjoying it, I resigned. However, unlike what many others may think, it is really not because I do not like the job. I enjoy talking, so  much that even though I work in a call centre, I can still go home and talk some more. This is totally how much I love talking. Haha. The main reason was because I do not want/do not have the courage to go back to work after getting my results. I do not know what I am getting tomorrow. I am not even really thinking about it. I have done my best. this is the maximum I can go without breaking. In economics terms, I am operating on the PPC. If I were to do better, I would first need to shift my curve outwards. Haha. I ought to anyway but alas. 

I have decided to buy the coupon for the 2 years unlimited QPX sessions. I heard of it from Qiu Qiu's blog at first and I have been really thinking about going for it ever since. I am really not a ''I like hairy people'' kind of person. Nope. No facial/excessive hair for me. I was seriously procrastinating. This is the second time I saw the offer on Deal.com.sg and I bought it. Yay for me.  I did mention it to my mum several times but she did it was up to me, so ta-ta! I am going to kill my hair follicles and hope they stay dead.  

I have some pictures in my phone that I took and wanna show it here, but I AM TOO LAZYYY. Damn. Next post, I promise.

Pleaseepleaseeepleaseee make tomorrow a good day. I pray.

That's all. Please cross your fingers for me. I am officially terrified. Ciao.

Rebecca:/