July 26, 2011

I have bad days too.

Well...I am not feeling very well these days, physically and mentally. I feel as if the world has gone against me. It is a horrid feeling. I have started my "stay back everyday to study" routine and it is working so far. I studied more than I ever did before! However, it does not feel enough. It is like no matter how much I study, someone studied more than me, better then me, get better grades. I am pretty upset about my grades and my health had not been feeling better as well. I am sick of having to breathe through one nostril! It sounds funny, but it really is not.

I am upset that people keep belittling me. I am upset that you always make fun and laugh about my inability to enunciate my word properly. Frankly, I am a little angry about it too because when others pronounce the words wrongly, you do not correct them. Only me. I am irritated because when someone corrects my pronunciation, I am not sure if it is correct and when I say it again, someone else says it is pronounced wrongly. If you really want to correct me, pleasepleaseplease make sure that it is correct first. I am sick of having people to correct me at home and outside. Maybe I should just keep quiet. I try really really hard not to think too much about it, but the words that you say keeps resonating in my head. I tried to indicate that I do not really like to have my pronunciation being made fun of, but I do not know if you got it. It did not seem so. You do not know how much I regret not listening during Phonics lesson in Primary 1. Even if I got the pronunciation right, you insisted that it was wrong. I am pretty sure my language skills is not as bad as you think it is. I am not angry at you, as you probably do not know what I feel because I hide it pretty well. I am just expressing my feelings before I explode and cry one day. It would be so embarrassing. I do not know if you will ever read this, but if/when you do, please do not think that I am speaking against you. I am not. Because it is not the first time someone laughed at my enunciation, and it will definitely not be the last. I just hope that I will be good enough such that people will stop commenting on it.

I feel so lost. Have you ever felt that you feel like you are in the right direction, but halfway though you get really confused and feel so lost. Although you know where is your goal and how to get it, it does not feel so straight forward anymore. I dislike this feeling. When will I find my right direction? I am very troubled.

I am glad I got it all out. I realise that I can draw really scary pictures when I am upset. Really. I am shocked. I just wish it will all get better soon. Ciao.