February 08, 2012

Really miserable due to my own weakness.

Well, this is gonna be a real suckish emo post so don't expect anything fluffy from this.


The worst thing is, this is completely not due to anything but myself.

AHHH. I totally have monophobia. I always have this fear of being alone in a new place, without people I know. I think this was probably why I decided to join the company I am working at now. However, even though I am in a company where I know people, we do not share the same lunch break and I always have this bad feeling that I would not have any lunch partners and I will be alone and hungry. I am really angry at myself for feeling like that. I know I should become more independent and depend more on myself instead of others for support. But I am really really bad at this. I feel like breaking down at the thought of having lunch alone or with people I don't even know all that well. The awkward sliences, the side glances, oh my god. It is too much. I feel so inapt to deal with the loneliness I feel.

Even when doing some steps for work, I always feel unsure of myself and tend to ask damn lot of questions. I get so irritated with myself. I know I should be more independent and do stuff myself, but I just cannot seem to help it. I think I talk to myself too many times during work. Even though I am talking to the customers all the time.

I have always taken pride in being brave. I was always the first or one of the first to volunteer for blood donations and roller coaster rides. I admit, I like proving to myself that I can do stuff that most others do not dare. But in this case I am really unprepared to be alone all by myself. Not the perfect Girl Guide I am supposed to be

I just realised that working life is really different from school. Even though I may seem to be good friends with my colleagues now, but eventually, I am not as close to them as I thought I was. They have their own friends, closer friends that have been friends with them for a longer period of time than I have.

I always thought it would  be better to know more people and have more friends. They need not be very close friends, but at least we are still friends and we can talk about anything under the sun. I feel that I am very wrong. I feel as though I am close to everyone but no one is close to me. I open up myself to everyone, I am really open and is quite willing to talk about myself all the time(unfortunately) But when I really need someone to talk to, I realize that I don't really have anyone. It is really sad. I don't think people actually know who I really am inside inside deep inside.

I really don't want to think about this. It is really making me more miserable and upset than I should be but it just happens! I get so miserable. AHHHHH! I just feel like sinking into my shell and be anti-social.

The thing is, I know I can hide for a while, but I cannot do that forever because I am dependent on others. Other people's opinions, their approval and just being around people.

I should really start being more independent. As a 19 year old, I am not young anymore! But so what? I still feel like I am twelve inside. I am feeling so miserable and I have no idea what I should do. I also know that changing a job is not going to help much. The pay will be lower and I become just as lonely. What to do? I am really feeling quite horrible. I just feel like breaking down over this small matter. I should be stronger. Why am I not stronger? I am so angry and upset at myself. I should be more self-sufficient.

Why am I not as strong as I wanna be?  D:

Rebecca :'(

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