Being able to talk is a blessing

Yesterday, while I was at my grandparents house helping my grandma prepare her medicine, I decided to pack up her wardrobe at the same time . I personally prefer to talk to her while I do things around her, so I was just packing the clothes and talking to her at the same time. She hardly talks now, so I was not expecting her to reply me.

I picked up this pair of long purple pants and I commented that the pants was too long for her to wear now. Just then, she started to reply that it was from when... then, she stopped talking, started again, stopped again, and sighed.

I know she wants to be able to communicate so badly, but she is unable to. Seeing my grandma like this really breaks my heart. I am not sure if she is unable to form the words, or if she is having difficulties trying to remember what words to use. But it really breaks my heart to see her like this.

Being able to speak is really a blessing. This makes me wonder why people use their freedom to talk to hurt other people. Their are so many others who are unable to communicate evem if they would love to. The world is really cruel.

As for my grandma, I believe that her inability to form sentences stems from the lack of use. She decided to stop talking for a while for some reason, but i can see that she is gradually becoming more willing to speak now. However, now thst she is willing, she does not seem to be able to do it very well.

After she sighed, I told her to try practise more to herself and I will look forward to talk to her when I get back.

I hope she will get better when I come bak from Sweden.

A tough ride ahead. :'( Let's be strong together.

My grandmother spent her 70th birthday in the hospital this year. She recently had her 2nd stroke and she was admitted to the hospital for very low red blood cell count. The biopsy revealed she has stage 3 colon cancer.

My heart is breaking as I am typing this out.

When I heard the news, the first question that popped into my head was WHY?! Is it not bad enough that she has dementia and diabetes and 2 strokes? Why must god add one more illness to the list? Is it not bad enough that she does not even talk anymore? Why must this happen?

I have been tearing every night ever since.

Today, when I found out that the cancer was already on the 3rd stage, I really felt so so so helpless. My grandmother will be going for chemotherapy next Monday. This is happening way too fast. Time passes us by way too quickly. Where is the grandma that would bring me out on excursions with the community club members? Where is the grandma who asked me into her room to watch Sailor moon every afternoon?

I know that my grandma has to go through a lot a lot after today. Chemotherapy will change her appearance and.....oh god. I feel so emotional whenever I hear the word "cancer" or "tumour" or any words regarding cancer. I tell myself I have to be strong. The night I visit my grandma in the hospital, I saw the interaction between my grandparents. My grandpa was teasing her, but she does not make a single sound. She just laughs. She just shakes her head whenever we ask her whether she knows who we are. My heart breaks every single time. My brother could not control his tears and he cried in front of my grandparents while trying to be subtle. The scene was really touching. I had tears in my eyes but I forced them back. IF my grandpa can do it, and be strong, I must also be strong. To do my best to support the family. I do not know if my grandma knows, but I think if she did, she would not want to see us sobbing. She would want to see us smiling.

I am glad she makes some funny expressions sometimes. It is the only indication that we have to show that she can still hear us and she knows.

The chemotherapy can only prolong her life but not get rid of the tumour completely. Through this process, I hope that my family can be strong and give my grandma the best support ever.

奶奶, 我爱你.

Rebecca.