Do not bite off more than you can chew

Wow, time passes really quickly.

It has been years since my last post and so many things have happened since then. I believe I am now officially considered an adult even though I still feel like a kid inside. Haha. 

And once again, I find myself realising that the people around me are moving past me. The feeling is a little too familiar to me and it makes me a little uncomfortable. It felt just like when I retained in JC. 

The only difference is retaining in school was not a choice I could make. I did not do well for my exams although I did my best, so I had to retain and work for one more year before I am ready to take 'A' levels. As simple as that. While it was something that I am sad that I had to go through, I do not regret it one bit because I believe that it happened for a reason and I am a better person/made better choices because of what I experienced then. 

Unlike the last time, some may say that what I am experiencing now is by choice. Okay, as I am writing this, I am trying to think of a way to explain it in such a cryptic manner that readers who see this would not be able to figure out what I am saying. At the same time, the information should be enough to trigger memories for me in the future. This is a tough one. 

So basically, in my mind, what I did was this. I think that I am a person who kind of live under a rock (I do not actively put myself in positions where I meet new people). However, seeing that my friends have moved on with new stages in their life, I decided to inch out from under my rock to give fate a little push by putting myself out there to meet new people. Partly because I was kind of bored, and partly because I was curious and I thought it would be a good experience. I did not expect anything big to come out of this, because frankly speaking, this mode of meeting new people is quite...dubious? Maybe not dubious, I basically did not have any expectations. Except to get to know people who are outside my social circle. I don't think it is a reliable method for anything else. Unless a miracle happened. 

"Well, it's always nice to make new friends." - Giselle from Enchanted

My attitude was really like Giselle in the movie. Go in and enjoy the experience, have some fun and maybe if by some miracle some magic happens, you might end up with a happy something you didn't expect.

Maybe you can already tell, things did not go the way I expected, not even in the unexpected way that I thought I could potentially expect. Anyway, it started off well enough and I thought that it was all going well. I was enjoying the process of getting to know a new person and it was a fun experience! I might be a hermit, but I really like getting to know people in general. You can consider me a relatively sociable hermit. 

However, the thing about not meeting people face-to-face is that you don't have the non-verbal cues that you could use to gauge the emotions or reactions of a person. Everything is dependent on text. Unfortunately for me, I don't think I am super experienced in this area. Half the time, I think I text like I am writing an essay T.T 

People do not usually do that, but because I do, I think I missed out on all the subtle signals and cues that would give me more information on how I should appropriately react or say. In this case, I did not have the information I needed to gauge that I had to manage expectations. I feel like this was completely my fault. I did try to manage expectations, but maybe I did not put it across clear enough?

So, I was happy to meet the person that I have been talking to for about 3 weeks. The feeling was quite interesting. Half the time, I was thinking if the person was going to fly my kite or end up really creepy. I should have been more apprehensive, but I have met people whom I talked to online before (my penpal) and I thought we had a good time. I would take the risk to find a kindred spirit. 

Anyway, the thing about talking to someone face-to-face is that you get all the non-verbal and verbal cues, the tone, the expressions and body language and so on. All these really helps with the functioning of my gut feeling. I really enjoyed the experience of meeting a new person and after the meet-up was over, I went home and did what I always did after meeting people. I reflected upon what had been said and what I did and the overall experience. 

That was when I panicked. Big time. I always trust my feelings and this time round, something told me that I did something wrong somewhere. I was terrified. I realised that our expectations and how we perceived our experience differed! Maybe I am a slow person, or I am so used to being slow to everything in life that I do not expect things to move so quickly in general. But I was like, oh dear. 

So now that I put myself into a fix, I had to get myself out of it. Cues Operation Recovery. 

Needless to say, Operation Recovery did not go too well and I did not manage to keep a new friend. Otherwise, this post would not exist. 

I have reflected and decided that the mode that I was using is for people who live on expressways and is not suited for dinosaurs like me. To prevent such heart attacks from happening again, I told myself that I either have to manage expectations very very well on the onset, or just stop pushing fate and que sera sera. Life will happen when it happens. 

I am still very sad that I did not manage to get a friend out of this experience, but I would consider it a lesson learnt. I genuinely did not mean any harm. 

Oh well. I guess I have to live with everyone moving past me while I fumble my way through life like a noob. Unless I become an expert in managing expectations. 

That's all I wanted to say :/ 

P.S. I realise that I really enjoy reading my own posts, even if the occasional (I hope) typos and spelling errors make me cringe inside. From the way and things that I post on this blog, one can imagine that I have grown as a person (I hope). May this blog be a proof of my own development and give me a lot of food for thought as I slowly tread on in my journey to be a better person. Hope I do not sound too narcissistic here. Hahahaha. 

In memory of my maternal grandfather

It has been a very long time since I have written on this blog, but I guess life caught up. Many things have happened, and today is quite a special day, so I decided to write a post.

On 6th January, when I was working in school in the morning, I saw a whatsapp message on the family chat that my maternal grandfather passed away. According to the doctor, his breathing slowed down gradually and he passed on peacefully. The hospital put pneumonia as the cause of death. He was in the hospital for about three weeks. During that period, it was very painful to look at him suffer, trying very hard to take every breath, dried up blood in his mouth because they extracted the blood in his lungs/he was coughing blood and swollen limbs. It was not the first time that he was admitted into the hospital, but during the previous times, he managed to pull through after his stay in the hospital. On this third time, he didn't. 

My maternal grandfather has been staying in an old folk's home for the last ten years. He went in March 2006, when he was diagnosed with dementia, and could no longer control his bowels. Before he went into the old folk's home, a maid was hired to look after him. But he is not an easy man to take care of. My grandfather was a traditional man. He smoked, he cussed and he drank stout. He preferred boys over girls. As the oldest grandchild, he has never showed me any signs of concern. I was mostly ignored. I guess it was good that all my other cousins were male. It is very painful to think about why he didn't like me at all, and why he has never showed me any sign of affection. I used to get quite upset when I see im showing my brother signs of affection. In particular, he liked to rub the earlobes of my brother and my other cousins. I often wonder what he has gone through in life to result in such prejudice over females. I also wondered how did he managed to get a wife if he didn't like females. I guess all these doesn't matter anymore. He had a tough life, losing his wife to cancer, having to support four young children by himself. He lived as a widow for about 30 years. That's a long time for someone to be alone. Maybe that made him bitter. 

Maybe it was because of this, I had very mixed feelings about my grandfather's passing. I am glad that his suffering has ended and he is in a better place now. He had not been able to eat anything, and he was put on enteral feeding. He could no longer enjoy his food, and he was on the bed the entire day. His leg has lost its muscles and it was stiff. He was having having an infection on his toe for the longest time. In fact, that was the the reason he was admitted into the hospital for the previous two times. He was itchy all the time and scratched himself till he bled. Every time I went to the home, I felt a pang of sadness. At the same time, it was very difficult for me to feel affection for a man who has always ignored me. I hate that I don't feel a sense of kinship with a family member. 

What was interesting to me, was the wake. I previously took a module on Religion and Society and I am taking another module on Chinese Religions this semester. It was very interesting to me the kind of rituals that happened in the wake, be it religious or not. My grandfather had a Taoist wake, and everything was very systematic. You just had to choose what religion you would like the wake to follow, then everything is settled for you. The main thing was the payment. In this case, I felt that there is a certain alienation in the process. We were purchasing the products for the wake like a normal commodity, and it was a strange feeling. I had always thought that it would be a very emotional process, but the most emotional period for me was when the vehicle bringing the coffin to the nunnery to be cremated played a sad Buddhist song. I believe that at this period of time, people would be thinking of all the things that has happened between you and the person who has passed on. Although I felt very very sad, I didn't have much memories. This made me even sadder. :( I was thinking about the meaning of such rituals. In a way, my grandfather's passing has brought the maternal side of my family closer, especially when you are stuck with each other in the funeral parlor for that few days for the wake. It is interesting how a family members leaving and result in a closer bond in the other family members. That made me feel a sense of awe, and I hope that the family will develop stronger feelings of kinship through this. 

My grandfather and I were never close, but today, I would like to dedicate this post to him. I hope you are in a better place, gong gong, and thank you for bringing the family closer. 

Losing memories and Nordic Culture Coastline

After watching Inside Out,which I cried while watching, I realised that memories are really precious. We lose some of our memories all the time. And I bet I probably lost so many of my memories already. Especially for people like me who are not big fans of the camera, I realised that sometimes I lose the memories and probably have no way of remembering it. So I came back to this good old blog and decided to pen down things I remember so that if I ever lose some of the most interesting memories, I will remember them here. Although I think it would not have been as effective as if I wrote them down when the memories were fresh, but better than nothing.

This especially, applies to the time when I was away on exchange. More than a year has passed and I realise that I have forgotten things. Some things that used to be so crystal clear has started to become blurred. I think I will be really sad if I no longer remember my time there. :(

So, I will talk about my favourite and worst memories not in any particular order. 

#1 Nordic Culture Coastline 

This trip happened during the end-Spring. We went there in May and it was one of the most memorable for me because I had a huge meal of salmon. The entire meal was made literally of salmon and it was one of the most amazing trips ever because I know that it is truly unique and not many people would be able to experience it as it was done with the school, without any tour guides. The teachers were the ones that brought us around, and they were locals. We could ask them anything under the sun and it was amazing. 

For this trip, the class was split into two groups and I decided to go with Si Rui because I had my Swedish oral during the other period. The people who went with us were the french guys, Li Yu from Taiwan, Zhang Xie from China, and some others. Si Rui and I were in a group for the group presentation with Matej as our group leader, Zhuang Xie, Li Yu and ourselves. Somehow, the Asians always end up sticking together. We stayed in this house built a century ago and we took a 4 bed room with Zhuang Xie and Li Yu.

Here's the picture of the farmhouse on a sunny day in May

Here's the image of the house next to the farmhouse. It used to be a school.

When I first saw the house, I was very excited to be in it because it was a farmhouse in the countryside and it was built a very very long time a ago. According to the teacher, it was built to  be a school house for the kids in the countryside and they had to travel very long distances to come to school. Which was pretty cool. The other building also had an old-school stove that used coals. That was very interesting too!

A modern stove added next to an ancient one. 

On strange thing which baffled me was the design on the house. The only toilet in the 3 storey house was attached to the house, but in order to go into the toilet, you have to walk around the house and the entrance to the toilet is outside the house. That means that if you have to pee at night, you have to walk out in the dark cold night and walk to the toilet. And if there is someone there, you have to wait outside in the cold. I know, because being someone with a small bladder, I had to wait outside in the cold. Hahahhaa. It was quite serene to do so actually, and I did not mind that much. Because there are not many lights around the house, you could see a sky full of stars while waiting for your turn to pee. The view was very spectacular. In the day, if you walked behind the house, there is a backyard overrun with plants. There, there were edible plants which I was more than happy to forage. I was not the only one. I spied the teacher picking some of those rhubarbs. >:) I was very happy with some chives we picked around the house, Si Rui helped me in my endeavour. I was fun trying to spot the chives.

Look at my loot! 

Other than the fun times in the house, we also had day trips outside which I really enjoyed too. Hmmm. I enjoyed everything. One of the first things we did on the trip was to go to the Overum museum. Basically, it was very old adorable men telling us about the history of the area. The area is an aging one with not many young people left, as we can tell from the demographics of the guides. The told us about the area and how it used to be an economically important one because they produced ploughs for farming. This is especially important in that era because those were the farming times. They also had relatively advanced technology for that age. It was very interesting to learn from these very passionate old men. Their Swedish accents were a little strong, but I would like to think I have mastered Swedish accented English comprehension by then.

The museum and some of the guides in blue

The guide talking about how iron was transported, I think. 

The trip to the museum was a relatively short one. We also went to another museum of sorts, where we saw the equipment people in the past used to kill pigs. That was a very crampy museum, but it was interesting to see a butter churner in real life. After all these years of reading historical fiction, I finally have a churner in my head to complete the scene! Whee! We also went to someone's house (in the past, now a museum) to  look around.

Tools of the trade (for the butcher)

Guess what is this! This is like a thing in which you put coins in. 

TATTING!!! So pretty, I wanna try! :')

Then, we went fishing. FISHING. The thought of fishing my own food makes my heart pump so hard of excitement. But alas. All I did for the fishing was to sit in my boat and see the other group with the experienced fisherman put the net to the sea. I did nothing but wait in the boat. The boat ride was very enjoyable though. The temperature was cool, about 26 degrees and the sun was shining. I happily forgot to bring sunblock for my entire exchange,but I did not have any issues with the sun until this trip. Totally forgot that the sun will come back again after a hiatus during winter. As a result, as much as I enjoyed my boat ride, I got terribly terribly burnt. I brought a cardigan and I dared not remove it for the fear that my arms will get burnt too. The colour change was hilarious. But the sun also made me a bit crazy like always. Tried to sing songs about fishing, but no one other than Li Yu knew the Chinese fishing song. Catching the fish the next day was just as uneventful because I was once again in the boat that was the bystander. We literally used our eye power to fish. But it was quite exciting to see the myriad of colours reflected on the fishes when they first caught the fish. The colours was due to the fish scales. What fish? Why, we only caught herrings. Oh herrings. Herrings and I have a history.

If I could go fishing in the Baltic sea again, I would smile that happily in the sun minus the sunblock. Hahaha. 

The other boat, which did the fishing. Hahaha.

Smoking thing, the thing you use to smoke fishes. 

After catching the fishes, we had to remove the fishes from the nets. It was a fun and tiring activity, but I think I got the hang of it. I quite like doing it. Some of the other classmates, like Sebastian, my "subordinate" quite failed at it. I became his "supervisor". Hahaha. That was quite funny. The scales will detach from the fish once it dies, which is quite soon after you pull it up from the net. This was interesting, because it means that the fish would not be scaly! Yay. I don't eat the skin of the fish for the fear of the scales. The teacher asked us to bring back some of the fish. Some people decided to bring back 2 or 4 or none. Guess how many greedy Rebecca decided to get? 6! On top of that, I asked Si Rui to also get 6. So we have more fishes to play with when we get back. We learned how to clean the fish by pulling the tongue or something to remove the intestines of the fish. That was fun too. We went to to the Lax Boa to clean the fishes. I remember that the toilet in that area was the old school type with a hole as a toilet bowl. It was surprising clean for such a rustic model. Hahaha. There was a wooden house that only housed the toilet. Or a toilet that was in the shape of a mini house with mini curtains and all. But it was cute. Hahaha.

SALMON FARM! 

 We went to feed the salmon in the farm, owned by the owner of Laxboa. You can hear the splashing the salmon made when the food was thrown to them. Boy, were they happy. I would be happy too if those salmon went into my tummy. >:)

I look so happy! Hahaha. 

Ducks on the wall

I guess the owner caught them and filled them?

Feast of SALMON!

 This was hands-down one of the most memorable meals in the enitre exchange. When can you ever ever eat home-smoked salmon, marinated eel, and the whole salmon is there for you to see and it is FREE-FLOW. It is just super crazy and I felt super happy looking at the food. The owner was very nice because he heard that we were from Singapore and his daughter went to Singapore for exchange. So he let us go take our food first. It was crazy hard to take a picture before everyone started.

Look at my crazy happy burnt face >.<

Fishes stuck in the net. 

I realised that it took some practice and technique to remove the fishes from the nets. You have to untangle the net from the gills and pull it out head first. I thought it was fun. Even if the fishes were herring.

One of the other things we did was to take a walk along the coastline. We were walking when we saw a family of baby squirrels running about. The squirrels were not afraid of us at all! They just kept following us and Nina had to chase them away. I quite like walking in the countryside, I realised. Never knew that part of me existed. But it was really beautiful. I even tasted the lake water and it was cold and crisp. So yummy! Apparently it is okay to drink it because the water just melted from the ice, but not a good idea to do so in summer. It will be contaminated.

Wild flowers!

Legless lizard? Worm? Snake?

One of the large summer houses along the coastline. #houseofdreams

Only in Sweden, you drink beer with your lunch on school trips.

 I have to say that I did not really drink the beer because beer makes you pee. Which is a bad idea when you are walking along the coast with no toilet in sight. Hahaha.

So many of these rocks around. 

Wild flower #2

Wild flower #3

A panorama of the coastline

Such beautiful sights, how can I not fall in love with the place? *poignant smile*

Falukorv, pasta, peas and tomato sauce and cheese for dinner.

Oats, cornflakes, milk and apple sauce and lingonberry jam and raisins for breakfast.

Ham, lingonbrod, ghurka och ost pa lunch 

Ol, ham, tomat, ost och polarbrod pa lunch

Best ever lunch: Smoked salmon with and without cheese, marinated herring, gravlax, fake sashimi (haha), salad and potato for lunch

Rhubarb pie and raspberry panna cotta for dessert

Brunch for the last day

Scrumptious feast of leftovers for bunch on the last day. :')

Attempted herring again. 

Notes to self: herring is more palatable with sour cream.

Reflections:

This trip was more distinct in my mind maybe because it was the last Nordic culture trip, and also the latest since I left Sweden. In this trip, we got to talk to the other students more, ref. Florian and Sebastian and I really enjoyed myself. It could be that there were fewer of us (Singaporeans) so we found ways to interact with others. But I really enjoyed myself and learnt a lot in the process. Maybe because it was my last 2 weeks in Sweden, so everything felt so surreal. I am not sure. But I really do miss the place and I also know that I will never be there in the same circumstance again. It is devastating to think of it that way, but I figured that's life. So I promise myself. Savour all opportunities. You will never know where life brings you. 

Of course, there is a lot more to the story about the herrings, and I think I will talk about it next time. That's a embarrassing and funny story to tell. :')

Alienation from the food you eat.

Another procrastination post. I was talking to my friends about the potential "grad" trip that I want to go to Japan and the topic of food came up. I have always been quite adventurous with my food (to a certain extent) and mentioned my desire to try raw octopus in Japan. this resulted in a mini debate about karma and the food you eat.

Here is how our conversation started.

So this was where I left the "debate". Ours is clearly a difference in mindset, and I do not foresee us agreeing on this topic. But I thought about this before.

In sociology, we learnt that because of capitalism, we are alienated from the product itself as well as the process of making the product. Marx said this with regards to the people producing it.

However, I think (and many other think) that the producers are not the only ones who are alienated from the product. The consumers themselves (yes, that's us) are also alienated from the products we consume. Have you ever thought about the number of chicken wings you eat from the roasted chicken wing shop? 2 wings = 1 chicken. How many chickens were killed for your consumption? It may be just the wings, but one chicken only has 2 wings! If you eat 10 wings, that's 5 chickens killed.

Many of us cannot even stomach the thought of killing an ant. Much less a wriggling live chicken. So how can we even bear to consume so many wings?! Because somehow, we forgot that the chickens had to be killed. Then, in this case, if you get bad karma from killing the chicken, who gets the bad karma? The one who killed the chicken, the one who cooked the chicken, or the one who consumed the chicken? If you think about this, 100 years ago, unless you are a rich lord with kitchen staff to help you. The person who would be doing all those would be the same person. Alienation from the process of making food is one of the reasons why people consume so much food in modern society. That is my opinion. If you had to kill, defeather and cook 5 chickens to eat 10 wings, are you going to do it? What would you do with the rest of the meat? How long is it going to take you to do all that?

Back to the question of karma. I am not an expert on my own religion, but I think that the idea that eating meat that you didn't kill does not give you bad karma vs eating meat that you have to order to kill on the spot gives you bad karma. I highly doubt that the idea of karma is so simple. My friend's family does not eat crab because crabs need to be steamed alive/killed on the spot. So the idea that you ordered the crab to be killed is bad for your karma. BUT. I beg to differ. Although you may say that the food in the supermarket we buy are already killed and therefore it is less cruel to purchase them, but they were killed for your consumption. And pretending that they died a better death before you purchase them does not make the consumption of meat less cruel.

In fact, the way animals are being killed in the slaughterhouse can be seen as even more inhumane. I had to watch this documentary for one of my modules previously, called "Our Daily Bread" hit the issue to the core. The documentary shows how food is harvested, slaughtered etc. Do you think that being killed by emotionless machines are more humane? These animals were treated like food even before they were food.

Although I know all these and I understand all these, I do not see myself turning vegetarian anytime. I think the whole point is to understand where your food is coming from and acknowledge that even if you did not kill your food by hand, you played a part in its death. And birth as well, of course. And accept that if there is karma for eating other living things, you have to live with it. Not killing your food by your own hand does not mean that you are less guilty of the part you played.

I don't know how to put this through to my friend and I am not sure if it will offend her. So Qinglin, if you ever see this blogpost of mine, please don't get offended. We agree to disagree. :)

Inequality in daily life and the fastest semester ever!

It seemed like it was just yesterday when I came back from Sweden after my exchange. Time passed so fast and half the semester is already over. It has been more than 6 months since my return and I still suffer from withdrawal symptoms. I think I might have developed a bad case of wanderlust. I just want to go around the world and absorb the awesomeness of the world. Haha. 

However, I have to say that the modules I am taking this semester are rather interesting. For my major, I am taking HS3007 Religion and Society, HS2008 Inequality and Social Class and HS4001 Qualitative Research. They are all my favourite topics, but I have to say that HS2008 is quite a heavy module for a 2000 level course. I think the content is quite worth the effort though! It is giving me a lot of insights into how inequality manifests itself in the nitty gritty parts of life. 

For instance, our consumption of branded goods. Why is it that the people who are struggling to survive with everyday live would still partake in the consumption of luxury goods? I used to have a friend in secondary school who was under the Financial Assistance Scheme. However, when she mentioned that she had a PSP which her mom bought for her, I judged her. Why would she spend such money on a game console when she is under the FAS scheme? One of the readings from Pugh gave me some insights with regards to this. Such symbolic consumption is more than an allocation of monetary resource. My friend's parents partook in symbolic indulgence, to show that they were able to provide their children with material goods. In turn, my friend gets a sense of belonging, a feeling that she had membership with the group. However, I think it backfired on her in this case because I was truly troubled about her priorities at that time. I kept wondering why did she spend the money on the game console. I guess I see it from a different perspective now and I really regret judging her. 

HS4001 was more interesting in my opinion. The readings for the module was very interesting, but I think it is not as easy to score. It is not so easy doing an ethnography and my partner and I overlooked some aspects, causing our grades to suffer. However, I am glad that I learnt something from it. We were supposed to write a self ethnography about ourselves. And I thought it would be interesting to share it here. In case I lose the document somewhere along the way, at least there would be a record of it. My self-ethnography also has inequality embedded in it. 

"Do you have any staple bullets?" I asked the friend next to me.

She looked at me for a moment, then said, "It is not staple bullets, it is staples. And I don't have any."

At the age of seven, I never felt that there was anything wrong with "staple bullets". My parents called them as such, and I thought everyone used the same phrase to refer to the small metal pieces we used to attach papers together. It was only when I grew older that I realised my linguistic ability marginalised me from most of the school.

I was in a single sex,  mission school. During that time I realised a group of friends and myself were slightly different from the rest of our schoolmates. Most of the students in my school came in through religious or familial affiliation. Unlike the most of my friends, I got in through a stroke of luck. Having only a fifteen percent chance of getting into school through the last phase of balloting,  I got in. Majority of the students of my school came from upper middle class families and students under the financial assistance scheme (FAS) were a rarity. I was not in FAS, but my family was not very well to do either. I would say, I belonged in the lower middle class. 
I realised that I had a different level of linguistic ability when I was constantly being picked on by the English teacher and often got my compositions read out loud in class. Not because it was amazing, but because it was an example of a bad composition. Some of my classmates also laughed at some of my mispronounications and never hesitated to correct me while snickering. 

In introspect, I realised that my inability to use the English language as well as my school mates was due to a lack of social capital.  I learnt whatever I knew about the language from my mother. However, my mother was not that eloquent in the English language as well, because she came from as chinese speaking family and only started to use the English language when she started working full time. Despite her inability to speak standard English,  she chose to use it as the main language when speaking to my brother and I.

I was not the only one who spoke differently from majority of the school. There were a group of girls who often hang out together in my class because they did not speak in the English language as well as the rest of the school. They often used Chinese when communicating with each other instead. I realised I did not fit in with them either. My Chinese language ability was also limited and I found myself speaking my English while they reply me in mandarin. It was kind of awkward sometimes when they made the effort to reply me in English instead.

That was when I realised that linguistic ability was very strongly linked to the habitus of a person,  the language that one speaks most know a regular basis and how you used the language. This is what bordieu calls habitus. This habitus originates mainly from the household, because young girls usually spend most of their time at home. The linguistic ability of one child is highly dependent on the linguistic ability of the parents. The child linguistic ability becomes a form of social capital in school and also a tool in power relations. The corrections on my usage of the English language in school by my classmates were actually a form of power play where they tried to establosh some form of social hierarchy based on your linguistic  ability. People who were not able to use the English language proficiently were considered more inferior.

I hope you enjoyed reading my mini auto ethnography. Laavy mentioned that we will get back to this when we reach week 11 and I am kind of looking forward to it. It had been a while since I had to write a timed personal recount kind of thing and I really enjoyed it. 

Start of a new beginning.

It is finally 2014, but I would like to reflect on 2013 before I forget about it.

2013 has been quite a ride. Looking back at the first post of 2013, I decided that I have accomplished 2 out of 3 of my resolutions. Not too bad.

I wanted to procrastinate less and work harder for 2013. I think I managed to meet my goal somewhat. I kinda learnt to set my priorities right. It really feels good when you have completed work before hand. No rushing out my essay the night before. Okay, that is a lie. I had to do that several times, but I did put in a lot more effort than before in my school work. However, I have to add that my performance is still not as good as I would like it to be. 6 modules in a semester is not that fun. Especially if all six modules are writing modules. I felt a lot of stress from quite a few modules and I am thankful that it is all over. I will try my best to not apply for so many examinable modules in a semester.

In 2013, I took the leap and applied for student exchange and student buddy programme. I am passionate about both the programmes, one to help other foreign students, and the other is to experience being a foreign student myself. I have always wanted to go on an exchange for one semester and I finally got the chance. I am really really thankful for this opportunity and I hope it was be a fruitful trip.

I have also started baking again. I thought my passion for baking has diminished, but I thought wrong. Previously, no one wanted to eat the cakes and cookies I baked at home, because of the lack of guinea pigs, I could not bake too much. So I decided to try baking something I actually like to eat. BREAD. Bread is so amazingly delicious, I cannot even..... That being said, it is no wonder I did not lose the extra 5 kilograms.
 -____-

All in all, 2013 has been eventful, with Qinglin joining into our clique, our really hilarious moments together, joining the student buddy programme, applying for the student exchange programme and everything else which I have probably forgotten.

One thing that I feel requires some special mention is the fact that 2013 marked the 21st year for many of my friends and myself. As the years go by, I realise that life really brings us to different places. Some of us change drastically, some of us remain the same. What Marx mentioned really rang true as well. Our material reality really shapes how we think and what we become. I have also officially become an adult. It was a great party with great accompany. I think most of us enjoyed ourselves.

For the new year, I want to focus more on self improvement. Becoming more independent, learning how to communicate with more people and learning how to cope in a totally new environment. I predict that I will have a lot of new experiences, so I am really excited. ^^

Because I will not be in Singapore for 6 months, I also really hope that my family will stay healthy and happy till I get back. I doubt I will be able to do much crafting in Sweden, so I will catch up on crafting when I get back!

To a wondrous 2014!

Education as an end instead of the means to an end.

So I got back my first midterm paper today. I did not do well at all, I got a B- and I feel very depressed about it. This module is my minor-to-be and I really enjoy the tutorials and lectures. So I reread my paper and got very confused as to why I got my grade. I really dislike getting bad grades. Technically speaking, B- is not that bad, but I would like for my grade to be better because I have to freeze it next semester.

After I got back my paper, I had a mini breakdown and I just felt so so upset and distressed because I really thought that I nailed it. I was so disturbed by it that I decided to walk home from the train station to recover myself. On my way home, I walked past a bus stop and saw this old lady wave me down. She wanted me to help her carry her purchases. I hesitated to help her because my parents warned me against old folks who scam people and accused the person who helped them of theft. I was seriously thinking of just pretending I did not understand. In the end, I decided to carry her (really heavy) purchases all the way to this other bus stop. The lady was a frail and you can tell she is having trouble walking quickly.

At that point of time, I just felt as if everything was better. Life is not just about exams and grades. There are much more to life than school. More importantly, I thought about why I am studying.

It is true that it is a means to an end, so that I will be able to survive in society when I leave school. But more significantly, it is supposed to be for my own personal development. For me to be able to understand why the society works as it does. Education is an end in itself. Learning and gaining the knowledge should be rewarding enough to make me happy. Why does my grades matter so much anyway?

The sad truth is, it does. In our meritocratic society, everything is based on the certificate. So in order to do well in life, I have to obtain the grades required.

So I would just have to resign myself to fate and consult my tutor regarding my grades and essay and figure out how can I do better for my final exams.

Happy Birthday, Singapore.

Now that I think about it, I kind of miss the assembly we had in Junior college, Secondary and Primary school. The singing of the National Anthem and the saying of the pledge may have started out as an attempt by the Government to bond the students together through common practices, but I think that to the most of us,  it now has a special meaning of its own. Through these everyday practices, I feel that I have subconsciously attached some meanings to the process of singing the National Anthem.

In the past, I have dreaded assembly because it meant that I had to wake up extra early to queue up at the parade ground to stand there and sing the anthem, say the pledge and listen to the various people preach. 

Now, I think I miss it. Definitely not enough to wake up earlier for school, but I miss the entire routine. While it is Singapore's birthday today, I do not really feel as patriotic or hyped up for it as I did before. 

The mood is totally different now. In Primary school, everyone anticipated National day because we would get to see the teachers perform on stage, sing and dance along to all the songs and we get an extra holiday. We also had class parties where we brought different food to school to share with all the classmates. In Secondary school, I got to participate in the parade because I was in Girl Guides. Standing in the midst of the parade actually made me feel somewhat important. Unfortunately, I never had the opportunity to be in the National Day Parade contingent because I was not 1.65m tall. T.T It was sooo sad. I loved singing the National day theme songs and the ritual running around the school hall in our uniforms. Those were the days that we will never forget, I think. In Junior college, it was not very fun. Junior College was not really fun for me anyway. But I remember the activities that we were made to participate in like the rojak making competition and the lyrics game. 

It is so different in University because the National day (9 August) falls in the Summer Holidays. It means no celebration of any sort! :( I have decided that I will have a mini celebration by wearing red and white on Monday the first day of school. Hahaha. I am just not used to doing nothing for National day. 

As I watched the parade on the television (I never seem to be able to win any tickets...) I had some thoughts. I was never a men in uniform kind of person, but I have to admit that the people in uniform today really looked smart. Kudos to them for the endless rehearsals in the sun and suffering in the singapore heat covered from head to toe from berets to gloves to covered shoes. Well done. If I ever have the chance to take part in the parade, I would. Because it is a form of pride and it is the kind of story which you will tell your grandchildren in years to come. The kind of heartwarming story that I love listening. 

Talking about grandchildren, I asked my grandpa that day about how he proposed to my grandma. It was so adorable because he just laughed and told me to ask my grandma. I did, and she laughed too. It is so difficult to get a reaction from her nowadays. It is so sad to see her looking so blank and helpless most of the time that I think most of my family members tries to make her laugh as much as possible. I really hope that she will start talking again one day. :') 

Anyway, I think it is enough blabbering for one day. 

Happy Birthday Singapore. I hope you will enjoy many more prosperous years to come. <3 

Silently awesome.

Looking at Facebook always makes me think of the wonder/dangers of the social media. I just saw on my newsfeed that one of my coursemates just started an album on what she did during the summer holidays. Well, she crafted. She made a necklace which is pretty!

But at the same time, I thought about why she found the need to show off whatever she made on Facebook. Last year, another acquaintance of mine started an album of what she crocheted.

People post pictures on Facebook all the time, but when they post pictures on crafting, I would wonder why they did it. I suppose it is because I do not have the guts to do so myself. I am not a great fan of Facebook. The information there is simply too open for anyone to see. I mean, they do not even need to stalk you! Things about you appear on their newsfeed!

Does social media make the people of today more insecure such that they feel the need to show their achievements to other to gain recognition? I do not know. This could totally be a thesis question. Haha. I am leaning towards a yes.

Personally, when I make something, I always have this question in my mind. Should I blog about it? Tweet about it? Facebook is a no-no to me. Too many people I am not even close to there. Nadah. If I do not write about it somewhere, I kind of feel that what I accomplished is not as grand as it is. Because no one knows I did it, no one gives me compliments, I do not feel good. When I tweet about it, I hope that someone will like or reply to my tweet. Sometimes, I just feel like broadcasting it. Do you feel that way too?

But why should I feel that way? If I know that I did it and I am happy with it, I ought to not feel so unaccomplished....right? I am awesome! Just silently awesome and no one know how awesome I am. But...if no one knows how awesome I am, then I am not so awesome after all  Right? This is what we learn in Sociology right? Truth is based on mutual agreement. If no one knows or thinks you are awesome, then you are not awesome. Oh heavens! This really sucks.

So in order to be awesome, I have to let people know that I am awesome so I can be legitly awesome. AHHH. So frustrating. I have to admit. Part of the reason why I do not publicize this little blog I have here to the people I know is because I want to rebel against showing off to people. At the same time, I really want to be praised. I am a mess of contradictions, I know. But do you understand what I mean? People who post what they did up on social media always seem more awesome! >.< I feel sooo undervalued. Haha. What to do? I think the world raised us to be attention seekers.

Sigh. What a complicated world I live in. I do not understand myself sometimes.

Rebecca :/

P.S. I predict more posts like this in these few months. Haha. I overthink all the time.

Different worlds in a world.

I was just walking to where my father parked his car when I saw something that stirred some feelings in me. It was a mixture of feelings, sadness, helplessness and truthfully, a little bit of indifference. This feeling of indifference is a little scary, but it is there.

What did I see?

An old man sitting on the ledge, his broom and dustpan leaning on the wall next to him. His face was full of wrinkles, his skin was tanned, probably from hours of being exposed to the scorching Singapore sun. He looked down at his fingers and leaned on the wall, his face expressionless. His clothes were quite worn-out. 

Across the street, there were a line of pubs. Ladies dressed in their stunning short dresses and high heels socialises with their friend or acquaintances. In their hands, they held glasses of drinks that costed at least SGD$8. They have smiles pasted on their heavily made up faces. 

This scene is not an uncommon one. But I doubt many actually looks at it and see a significance. We have been socialized in such a way that this sight is considered normal. People would probably become annoyed if that old man was sitting within the sight of the people in the pubs.

However, this scene, to me, illustrates how the world is so.....unequal. The difference between the working class and the middle/upper class is so stark! The drink that the lady held in her hand could feed the old man for the entire day. This made me feel sad.

On the other hand, a part of me says that it is nothing to be sad about. SOMEONE has to sweep the roads and make it look sparkly clean! The rational and pragmatic part of me say it is part and parcel of the society. Someone gets to be up there, someone has to be down there. Serves him right for not working harder when he was younger. He could have been a retiree enjoying life now. Here comes the indifferent Rebecca.

Which makes me kind of disgusted with myself. Many Singaporeans would probably say it is the government's fault that there is such obvious inequality in our country. We can just apply the minimum wage law and everyone would live happily ever after. True? Sound legit. Must be true.

I beg to differ. Why do you have to blame it on the government? It cannot be entirely their fault. It is the way the world have evolved to become. Why not blame it on the boss of the cleaning company who does not give its workers more wage? Why not the public? If they are willing to pay more tax so that the government can set aside more money for these workers? These methods are not feasible. 

Helpless. 

Whose fault? It is difficult to blame anyone. Why push the blame to others anyway. If we do not litter the roads, we do not need anyone to clear the roads. Want to blame? Blame the human race. We are all at fault for the prevalence of inequality in today's society. What can we do to reduce the suffering of others?

Hey! How about we go back to being cave people? Then everyone will be the same.

http://brendancorris.deviantart.com/art/Rick-the-Raptor-Cave-People-142708124

Well, not exactly the same, but you get my flight. By the way, this artist has rather cute cartoons on his profile(click the link!) Quirky cartoons are not easy to draw. It requires creativity.

Okay, I am sort of just blabbering on because this scene (with the old man, not the cave people) was really stuck in my mind. But if you are still reading at this point of time, I leave you with a little nugget of thought. True equality will never happen because some of us tasted how is it like to have more than others and we are selfish. We want to keep enjoying ourselves at the expense of others. I am not willing to change my smartphone to my phoneasurus. My smartphone provides me with so much convenience which "I cannot live without". Business people says these kind of things all the time. It will affect their sales yada yada. Would not increasing your profit kill you? No.....okay maybe you get to eat less sashimi. But will the cost-saving measures you take, eg. employing more part timers so you do not need to pay for their insurance, kill other people? Yes, if that part timer has the misfortune to contract a terminal illness and they do not have sufficient money to pay the hospital for treatment and their job sucks so bad that they are not insured. This analogy is really not too far-off. Things happen. Let's think deeper and find a way to prevent it from becoming worse. We need not look at the government, if we see inside ourselves, we may find a way to do our part in making the world a more survivable place in the future.

Maybe one day when I grow older and get too caught up in the rat race, I will look back here and gain something from this blabberish.

That's all I wanted to say. I hope you got something out of it. ^^

Rebecca:)
P.S. Exams are around the corner. Wish me luck and all the best in my last lap to fulfilling my dream of going on an exchange programme!

Liberal Arts, useless?

This is a short post about something my friend shared on Facebook and is quite close to my heart. I am currently studying Sociology in NTU, Singapore. I have to say that my decision to study Sociology was one of my best academic decisions I made in my life. I am really grateful to my GP teacher in Junior College for making me un-dislike General Paper. Haha. It led me to a turning point in my life to decide to take Social Sciences. For one period of time, I really really wanted to take Political Science.

I am interested to learn more about how the world works and why our government and other governments work the way they do. Especially in terms of policy making. Are policies that are good for the citizens better or those that the citizens want more important? Both choices has it implications and consequences. I enjoy asking questions like that.

However, I am actually glad I did not take Political Science. Because I do not have any History background, I do not have adequate knowledge to aid me into thinking beneath the surface and looking into the possible historical background. That's was partially why I suffered when I did my essay on Terrorism last semester. I did not have the tools in my tool kit to comprehend why there are conflicts in the Middle-East and how their history with the western countries played a part in creating violence and conflict in the world today. I cannot say I regret not taking History though. I really did not enjoy source-based questions. I still do not. Haha.

I have to say I am very very very glad that I found Sociology and they accepted me into the course despite my less than sparkly results. After I got into my course, when people ask me what am I going to do after university, I will just answer, "I wanna be a civil servant". I really have no idea whatsoever as to what will I do in the civil service. "I wanna go to MCYS, because it is near my house and the job scope is probably something I am interested in.", "I also like Public Relations." I will answer like that. I do not understand why people look down on those taking Social Sciences. -.- I think I am enjoying myself most of the time. Not today though. I just watched a movie on how my food gets killed and gutted. Explicitly shown to me. *shudders* I am supposed to get something out of a non-narrated movie. Haha.

So, back to my topic on Social Sciences....my friend posted an article, albeit a very long one, about the value of studying the Liberal Arts. Just read it. I guarantee it will be worth your time and give you a new insight as to what the Liberal Arts is all about.

This is the link! I really feel that my decision to study Liberal Arts is justified now. Haha. ^^

It is a long read, but I hope you gained something from it just as I did.

That's all I wanted to say. Haha.

Rebecca :)

Hectic, food, blood and omg, cuteness!

Life has been HECTIC. Assignment, presentations and everything else rained down on me. Boo-hoo! I really hope that I have the strength to hold on till the end. EXCHANGE PROGRAMMMEEEE! I MUST. Cannot keep my eyes off my goal.

Okay. Other than that, CNY came and went. It was really great to catch up with my classmates from Junior College. Super grateful to my class rep's mom for organising everything and him for inviting us:)

I really miss my JC class mates ^^ I remember all the funky things we did. Till now, I cannot get over how Josephine holds her breakfast when she eats them. HAHA. When I first got my phone, the first thing they did was to take pictures. HEHE.

LOOK! So adorable, I tell you! Love them to bits! By the way, that is my favourite expression. That's why they did it. This was during the 'study for ''A'' levels' period. I cannot believe I miss it a bit. Just the lunch part. Maybe. It was traumatic. I need time to recover. HAHA. 

AMBUSH! I love the sausages! Nomnomnom. I miss Germany. I miss their REAL sausages. This was with Fion at Junction 8! I remember we did not want to eat with our tutor, so we said we needed to go home when we went to J8 to eat. HAHA. *secret* I hope the tutor never sees this. Cheese bratwurst was goooood. Miss currywurst and bratwurst. D: 

Random picture of the hotel in Bangkok! The sweet housekeeping person(I bet it was a lady) arranges my travel buddies like this! SO CUTE!

Finally ate at Food for Thought was Lynette! She ordered white wine with iced tea and I ordered red wine with iced tea. Tasted like red wine with iced tea. HAHA. Right picture is after you have mixed the drink. Looks like Ribena, but it taste better!(In my opinion)

Very interesting book I read about the Chinese culture! Best thing: This was written by non-Chinese. As a Chinese, I can see where they are coming from. Emic vs Etic (Sociology/Anthropology)

Saw this in the library and I mentally went OMG! I think I will borrow it to read......one day. When I have finished my actual readings and have nothing to do. HAHA.

Ate Hall 14's Western food! Sausages! Lamb, cheese and breakfast, if I did not remember wrongly. Not bad! But Ambush's is nicer! Okay. This is only $5.50. Cheap already la!

I donated blood yesterday, the first time after three years. After the terrible incident. I am really glad I did it. I do not know, but I always feel like in order to prove to myself that I can do it, I will swallow my fears and get it over and done with. Same as the first time I donated, Yi Ting went with me but she did not pass the iron count test. I was really anxious! I had no idea what to expect. But after that, I was glad I did it. I felt like I did a little for the society. Maybe it is like we learnt in Soci, it is the need to belong somewhere, to a community, so you do something that you think makes you belong. I call it social responsibility. I am not a doctor, I am not a nurse. I cannot do big things like an operation or injection. But. I know in my heart that I may have done something that saved someone's life and like a medical personnel, I was somewhat involved. I am happy.

It did not hurt when I donated blood yesterday, but I have to say I got a bit worried when I saw the needle. HAHA. (I am looking at the wound now, by the way) Two person donated, five people enjoyed the refreshments. Hey hey, it was a buy two get three free deal okay! Haha. I am glad I overcame the mini phobia I had for blood donation. Will I do it again? Yes. Definitely. I have a picture of my blood bag, but I doubt it is good to post it online. What a little girl saw the picture? Oh dear. I can show you if you want to see it. I find it amusing that my blood was warm, by the way. I mean, like, when she put the tube across your wrist, it was WARM. Cool huh. Haha.

I have to admit that I tend to advocate and encourage people to donate blood. It is an experience. I tried convincing some Soci people to do it. Did not really work. Hmmm. Even free Milo did not entice them. Haha.

Okay, I will update again when I am free. Ciao!

http://www.facebook.com/setlovenow

JUST. SAW. THIS. O.M.G. So adorable!!! SUPER LOVEEE THIS SHOW. <3

Rebecca:)